


Try Herding Robots

by SineadRivka



Series: Things We Don't Tell Humans [2]
Category: Transformers - All Media Types
Genre: F/M, M/M, More tags as we get into things, Multi, Other, TWDTH-offshoot, Worldbuilding, cat memes are life
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-03-17
Updated: 2020-03-17
Packaged: 2021-03-01 02:21:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,568
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23187706
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SineadRivka/pseuds/SineadRivka
Summary: Samuel James Witwicky (Prime) has lived through and Seen Things. He got sucked into a giant robot war, became part of their culture (though kicking and screaming), somehow became a father to two Younglings, got (and kept?) a girlfriend, and his crowning achievement: retained a sense of humor.As part of the inaugural Cybertronian Embassy staff and liaisons, he realized that he had one duty to his Cybertronian brethren that would ultimately become one of his priorities: rehabilitating their image. So what better way than to start by showing off that these majestic, super-intelligent beings from another planet . . . have a deep appreciation for cat memes?
Relationships: Bluestreak/Sideswipe/Sunstreaker (Transformers), Carly Spencer/Sam Witwicky, Elita One/Optimus Prime, Flamewar/Megatron/Soundwave (Transformers), Jazz/Prowl, OFC/OMC
Series: Things We Don't Tell Humans [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1667101
Comments: 31
Kudos: 99





	Try Herding Robots

**Author's Note:**

> _**Author’s Note:** So how about that 350,000-word intro to the real fics? Ha. Haha. -weeps quietly- This hasn't been beta-read, so please excuse my typos and/or any unfinished thoughts._
> 
> _Jokes aside, thank you so much for all the love for the ending to my most popular work: Things We Don’t Tell Humans. Knowing that I’ve finished my longest work has been such a relief of a burden that I carried with me for years. When your brainchild remains unfinished, you’re always wondering where the missing pieces ended up. And one thing that I’m glad I did was leave loose ends waiting for me to do some spin-off stories._
> 
> _**This fic picks up between chapters 82 and 83 in TWDTH and weaves around the official second story of the TWDTH universe.** As a companion piece, it will be exploring what happens when the alien robots go public in my universe . . . and gets onto various social media platforms. You’ll see some platforms that might not be active anymore make appearances because we inhabitants of the Internet will always adore Vine and eagerly await a non-problematic replacement._
> 
> _Many, many thanks go out to my Discord server for helping me get my muse back. Their help will also show up throughout this fic in various ways. The link for the Discord will be at the end of the chapter, unless you already know where to find us!_
> 
> _Oh. Right. If you don’t like the way I’ve spelled something or written something:_
> 
> _You can go write your own monster-child spanning eight years, two fanfiction websites, three (four?) IM service brands, several social media websites of various sorts, and over 350k words in 84 chapters. I’ll wait. But I’ll also read it, because quality longfic is hard to find._

The first time that Sam realized that he had comedy gold and that it was going to help them rehabilitate the Cybertronian image was by accident and it was _wild_.

It had been almost a full week after the Symbionts had all landed in Chicago. Most of the remaining able-bodied NEST team that had handled the Chicago attack had rotated out to recover and see their families. Thankfully, some had chosen to rotate back in to keep working along their mech friends and former enemies. Will was due back any hour himself, while Epps had covered and brought the fresh-from-Diego-Garcia squad up to speed. Sam had caught up with his family, Carly had done the same with hers, and they both had returned just that afternoon to find that the Chicago base had settled itself down in their absence.

Dinner was being made by Epps and his family of heroines. While he and his oldest two daughters were making dinner, his wife and the youngest at nine-years-old were video-calling the Wreckers and giving them hell for not waiting around to say hi before heading up to Canada. Optimus didn’t even bother hiding his laugh at hearing Roadbuster sound uncharacteristically (and rightfully) cowed by the Missus Herself. He got a blatantly rude message for that and had _no_ regrets. (He sent back an old Cybertronian meme that had been popular around Earth’s Middle Ages and the casual usage of a meme from a _Prime_ made the mech blink his optics and pause in shock.)

Turning his attention to the humans who had been told to get out of the kitchen and to get a seat, Optimus felt reassured the moment that Sam glanced up at him and smiled. They needed time together again soon to just destress, but duty and responsibility waited for no Prime. Reviewing the conversation, Optimus wasn’t surprised. The topics were _wild_. Nothing was sacred. Everything from board games, RPGs, books, movies, and one fandom argument had gone around when memes started up. Then one cat meme in particular came up.

Soundwave blinked. “Query: What is the meaning of ‘Fort Asshole’ in this context?” He threw up a holomist screen showing the image in question with the caption of an emoji for a heart wrapped in a bow from Bumblebee.

Carly laughed and Sam leaned in. “I’ll try! Me! Because I’m a dog person and this is funny.” That got some laughter and agreements. “Soundwave, you’re a cat person because Ravage. Cats are _globally_ considered to be one or both of the following: Royalty or Assholes. ‘Fort Asshole’ is a way of saying, ‘This here cat is an asshole for any number of reasons, thus I deem this location to be his stronghold.’ He’s now the King of Fort Asshole. Which is usually a cardboard box just like that.”

Since the Unification (as some of the mechs were calling it), Soundwave had stopped wearing the blast mask under his visor and had lowered the opacity of his visor to show the pinpoints of light that were his optics. So when he grinned broadly with a look that Sam had seen on Wheelie’s face _just_ before trouble happened, the human Prime was vaguely concerned. But he knew his ‘little brother’ had a harmless mischievous streak that ran Spark-deep, and this was something that had just helped the old mech feel like a bratty Youngling again. The part of Sam that was “AllSpark” delighted in this on a level that Sam often associated with how he interacted and guided with Wheelie.

It was _paternal_. It was a deep paternal pride in seeing a child regain joy after a long, painful period of sorrow.

_Playfulness_ was returning, now that energy wasn’t being consumed in kill-or-be-killed, all efforts focusing on _bare survival_. There were pranks starting up again, carefully harmless. Bumblebee had pranked Jazz while Frenzy and Barricade were watching, which drew _those_ two absolute _monsters_ into the prank war, which got Sunstreaker and Sideswipe’s attention, which then pulled in Ratchet, who warned Prowl, who had Blaster up the ante by placing security cameras.

The first video on the record was Sideswipe’s optic pulling backwards as he grinned. “Challenge accepted.”

~*~

Sam’s comedy gold happened not long after that, on a day where Ravage was being a bit of a ball of angst. He had been having a rough day with his rehabilitation exercises, still getting used to Earth gravity again. He’d been hissing, snarling, and was generally irritable to anyone passing by what had become to be known as “Ravage’s Corner.” Even Steeljaw was giving the other cat a broad swath of space under the excuse of Blaster needing him for some project or another. Bumblebee, wisely, was also nowhere to be found.

In the old warehouse, it was former ’Cons, neutrals, and humans only. Carly was up on the counter that was set up for the current average mech-height, Brains buzzing in his sleep while draped over her lap. She was both learning from and editing a primer that Jazz and Bumblebee had pulled together. Barricade and Faustus were talking about how to balance oneself for one of the forms that the young mech was learning, switching between Cybertronian and English depending upon if a concept had an English equivalent defined yet. Blaster, Jazz, Bumblebee, and Mirage were all still working on the martial arts terms, knowing from their experience with NEST that the humans _loved_ watching what they were capable of.

Sam was on the ground, watching as his Lord Protector learned some new forms from the still-blind Barricade.

And occasionally getting his aft landed on the ground because he underestimated Barricade’s adaptability. Sam had recorded no fewer than four of those take-downs, all of which ending with Faustus laughing at his own dipshit move. Flamewar made the occasional comment off to one side from where she was doing some general maintenance on her weaponry.

Soundwave pinged his human brother with a quick message of _:Record Ravage:_

There wasn’t a second of hesitation. Sam had hit record and aimed the phone at the corner making dubious noises. There was a swift pass of legs, a clatter that startled Carly into a yelp, and Soundwave was decidedly hustling out of range of claws or teeth.

There, around Ravage, rested something hardly more than four pieces of plywood that were reinforced to not collapse that easily at the corners.

And it said, in spray-painted neon-orange block letters, “Fort Asshole.”

Ravage stopped growling in shock.

Everyone stopped moving, talking, and in Sam’s case, _breathing_.

There was silence for the half-second it took for Ravage to peer over the top of the pen that he now rested within, then cough a laugh and up the growling and yowling to a theatrical degree. He reached outside of the box and dragged in the sturdy canvas bolsters and blankets and old leather hides. All of these were new ways to help him rest without his frame hurting him, since medical zero-gee tanks weren’t readily available planetside. Soundwave’s laugh rang through the Prime Cloud in relief, and Sam panned over to zoom in on the gently-smiling face before he finished recording. 

_~What did Soundwave do?~_ Bumblebee asked into the Cloud, pinging his location as coming closer to pick Sam up for another interview. The young man, now outed as the Cybertronians’ favored liaison and friend to many people, was often in such high demand that it took Carly in all her administrative glory to help him figure out how to handle the requests.

_~Check my phone!~_

It took a moment before everyone started laughing softly. Though it was a tease, it was ultimately something that was immediately helpful. Sam laughed. _~I would love to record a bunch of these and just upload them to YouTube.~_

_~Well, why not?~_ Jazz sauntered into the room, Prowl tapping away at a datapad, absently following his Prime and lover. Nobody would dare assume that he was entirely focused on the reports before him, not after learning the advanced sensor suite that was contained within the mech’s doorwings.

For those who didn’t know their past, it would have shocked them to see Prowl stow his tech and pull out a new bolster for Ravage. Walking over to hand it directly to the waiting feline, he crouched to inspect the new fort. They chatted over comms for a moment before nodding and going back about their business. Prowl’s bolster was the one that Ravage ended up using to prop up his chin.

Sam caught that on camera as well.

Sam hit “stop” and looked up at Jazz with a slow smile. “Well, do you have an official Embassy website up yet?”

“With emails. I’ll update your phone with our app in a moment.”

“So . . . I can make an official Embassy YouTube video channel for us?”

_:I want to see what you recorded!:_ Ravage demanded, clicking his claws against the floor impatiently. _:Please, Prime.:_

Smiling and walking over, Sam turned his phone to show the video to the cat, who started coughing his laugh halfway through and nodding his permission to continue to post it. Then seeing the contrast with how gently he took the bolster from Prowl made him laugh _harder_ which soon had everyone paying attention. Sam grinned up at his friends. “Bee and I have _years_ of absurd videos that he or I have saved up.”

Jazz’s voice fritzed out in a laugh before he could get it back. “Do you have the original one?”

Sam grinned and nodded. “Oh, do I ever.”

~*~

Sam created the YouTube channel five minutes after Prowl and Jazz had updated his phone and laptop, filling out everything quickly with promise that there would be more information shortly.

The very first video uploaded onto the official TryHerdingRobots channel was that of Ravage getting placed into Fort Asshole. Why? Because it had the viral potential that Sam knew could catch on. Cats memes were cat memes, after all.

It gained the media’s notice _immediately_.

Just barely an hour after Sam had uploaded it, he was on a call with his tech gurus, busting Maggie’s chops about finally proposing to Glenn. Leo’s gasp was all it took to settle the video chat. “Guys, _guys_ , Buzzfeed just posted the video!”

“No,” Sam gasped, already pulling it up on his laptop. “Well, shit. I was right that it’d be a good first video. HuffPost got it up, too.”

Maggie was cackling, almost sobbing with the comments that were starting to flood in on the YouTube page itself. For the most part, it was taken pretty well, with the occasional troll that claimed it was fake.

Sam pulled up a commentary from one of the former-conspiracy sites that was now listed as a reliable source regarding Cybertronians. “Listen to this: ‘It’s clear that this was not scripted, judging by the sounds in the background or the reaction of the cat itself. My suspicion is that this is one of the not-drones that are attached to Soundwave in some way. I don’t know how else to describe them, but they’re all pretty inter-dependent in a way that relies upon the former Decepticon. I slowed the video down several times to watch between timestamps 00:00:09:45 and 00:00:15:25, and you can see the same thing that I saw. There’s this connection between them, a moment of complete wordless communication and I’d be _damned_ if it wasn’t something that goes above and beyond technology.’ Damn.”

“Which blogger was that?” Glen asked over the clatter of his mechanical keyboard. “Their usual brand of commentary doesn’t usually touch on anything metaphysical.”

Sam scrolled down to the bottom. “GemmaBlue, shows that they’ve done only a handful of blogs so far. I like their style.”

“Me too,” Maggie replied. “I’ll do some digging on them and see if they’re someone that we might be able to collaborate with.”

Rodimus buzzed into the video chat with a grin. “Hey, squishies! I got some official requests for a statement regarding the authenticity of the video, and a bunch of unofficial requests for permissions to air it on news stations around the globe.”

Sam stared at his screen. “Am I seeing that view-counter right?”

Leo whistled. “Sam, ya did it, man. You broke the internet.” They all seemed to take a breath and release it at the same time. This was it. This was the beginning of how they were going to try to somehow appeal to the human race that the Cybertronians were just like them. “I feel very, very small right now.”

“Yep.”

“Oh, most definitely.”

“Mm-hm.”

“Wow, you humans are super dramatic.”

Glen made a face, punched a button, and Rodimus got kicked from the call, resulting in Sam bursting into laughter at hearing a distant, “What the _hell_?!” from down the hall.

Sam grinned, and shook his head. They’d have to do a video to clarify what they’d just uploaded, but maybe that’s something that could wait a little while. There were several other things that were far more important to consider at this time. Ending the call from his side to let the official Embassy crew do their thing and triage requests, he took a quick walk to the perimeter of the impromptu NEST/Embassy to clear his head. Just as he muttered a quick note to message Prowl about hiring some admin support, he looked up to see one of his now-favorite people. “Mearing!”

“Sam! That was beautiful!” She was grinning broadly, heedless of the media crowding as close as possible. “How’s Ravage’s recovery continuing?”

“He’s still grumpy, but less so today with the reintroduction of his radar system. He said he felt blind without it, which was part of his irritation this morning.” He shook Mearing’s outstretched hand. “Welcome back.”

“Thank you. I have some news for the Leadership, when they have time to spare.”

“What’s the urgency on it?”

“Could be higher, so I’m going to get myself settled into a cubicle until our scheduled meeting.”

“Do you want a work-sleep space in one, or separated?”

“Whatever is easier, so long as the work space is closer to where you and the others work. I’ll be here for a week.”

“We can make something work out for you.” Sam pulled his phone out for show as they walked away, nanites sending the message along to the on-duty runner mechs “You’ll have Hound and Mirage helping you settle in. I have an appointment in twenty minutes, and we can meet with Optimus and Megatron in three hours.”

“Perfect. Thank you, Sam.”

“My pleasure.” They parted ways and Sam took that walk. He was soon joined by Ravage and Frenzy, while Wheelie was brought in by Laserbeak, carefully placed down to speed alongside his Caretaker. They did one lap, and Sam re-entered the building, parting ways with his son and his symbiont friends.

And when he entered the private meeting space, he smiled up at Optimus and Megatron, who sat leaning against each other. “Hey, mechs. Ready for today?”

“I suppose so,” Optimus murmured, but it was Megatron’s easy posture as he nodded his greeting that reassured Sam. It would take time, but they’d heal from this. They’d be stronger than before.

Sam just couldn’t wait to see how this was going to go.

He wasn’t expecting that the media-storm had gotten _bigger_ in that one hour slot.

**Author's Note:**

> _**Author's Note:** So there will be no music associated with this companion piece, but we have for you a link to my Discord: [**which can be found here!**](https://discord.gg/MnwzMDt)_
> 
> _This will be an interactive piece, which is going to be new for me and a trial to see if it's something that can be maintained. On the Discord, there is a channel that I will be utilizing as a roleplay space that will specifically tie into this fic, imitating a livestream session between Sam and any of the mechs and their viewers. If you're interested, please join the server and keep an ear out for announcements!_


End file.
